i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
His penis was definitely too big to be the type that wants commitment. Shit.
I'm pretty sure that I'm earning a horrible reputation with your friends, but I'm having a fucking great time in the process.
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
It's a piss down the stairs of the hotel kind of night
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
As long as you don't want to make a shrine out of my eyelashes It's all good
I'm so glad I was blacked out while I was going all exorcist in the bathroom. That's so not a memory I want.
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
I know he's only a bandaid for my emotional disrepair, but he can stick me anytime!!
I just want to get high and watch Dr. Pimple Popper.
Randomize
