When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
i just stepped in cum. i hate you.
Thats what happens when you don't swallow.
Who would win... a chainsaw pooping pterodactyl or a bear with machine guns for feet. big debate about this right now
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
I really want to lead this Amish guy into temptation
I ate 12 cupcakes in less than 24 hours, so no judgement here.
The shit I just took was four, very distinct colors. Jager night was a success
Yeah I mean once a gun is being waved around, its probably a good time to leave the party
But the music was sooo good
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
He got naked after doing the Ice Water Challenge and it was still enormous. So, yeah, I stayed over.
You will bone me until my eyeballs fall out. This is not a request.
How long until you're healed?
Physically? A week or so. Emotionally? The scars of dislocating my knee at a frat and flashing my panties to the whole crowd wi never heal.
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
Randomize