I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
my mother and i just seriously had a convorsation about why you cant Google "Refurbished Dildos"
I cant watch the real world now after jersey shore. its like trying to go back to vagina once uve had anal
Hopefully. Play it cool. Bust out a few jokes. Chew with your mouth closed and show your boobs.
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
Told my brother the truth how I meet her...I grabbed the first thing I could when the cops came. 10 months later we are engaged.
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
And he listens to me when I talk to him like the hulk.
I think I just saw my socks in the parking lot.. gonna keep walking
Once my new license was put into my hand, a light from the heavens shined down and pauly D's voice was in my mind saying ohh yeaaah 21 yeaaah
Randomize
