mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
The bar I'm at just passed out smores to everyone. I don't know what it has to do with cinco de mayo but I'm down.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
he belly flopped onto the beer pong table, and almost boke his face, so at that point we decided swimming would be safer for him.
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
Somehow those two combined like captain planet and shit went haywire
You screamed at oncoming traffic , "five dollars to punch this guy in taint!".
he was having a black light party and drinking manischewitz wine out of a three foot tall trophy he stole from mcdonald's...that's when I decided it was time to leave
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
I just walked out topless, stared his brother straight in the eye, and ate all the rest of their cookie dough.
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
First encounter with a mirco peen. I was confused when he said he doesnt go down on girls. Cmon dude, practice on a peach.
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
Well we can add this to the list of 'where the hell did that bruise come from?'
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
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