he wants to bone in the snuggie
WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
From what I remember, he had one ball. But it was cute
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
I'm not sure how appropriate a drug deal is while at a wake.
The last thing I said to him last night before telling him he couldn't give me a kiss goodnight was pointing at his dick then at me and saying "this isn't working out"
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
You chest bumped everyone we walked by on the way home... Even girls
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
Wanna get drunk and play candy land? If so you are 2 steps behind.
Imma make him fuck me with my jersey on tonight while I chant Go Jets Go. Gotta love playoff hockey szn.
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Randomize
