Okay, I have a threesome with foreigners and suddenly I'm a man-whore
I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
come over
yeah sure
wait who is this again? my contacts got deleted...but tell me and ill be there in 10
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
This dude has my number from April last year. Drunk me left sober me a puzzle. No confirmation of pants off business
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
I'm currently giving my drug dealer relationship advice. He's a nice guy and all but I'm really just hoping I get some free weed
He yelled "HOO-ah!" like Al Pacino when he pulled down his pants. Trust me, he has every right to.
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
The air taste purple.
Randomize
