Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
I just typed in random letters on his address bar... 5 out of the 6....a porn site was in the drop down list hahahahaha get a life bro.
Last I saw him was around 10 this morning. He was passed out on the porch with his head under the barbeque cover and there were cups of orange juice around him as well as loose tobacco spread everywhere. Good luck getting a hold of him.
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
You kept running around yelling "I need my pajamas" & then you got naked. Shit just went downhill from there.
Ha. Yeah that's all I found you with this morning. Butt ass naked w my robe across your lap and your arms thrown back in handcuff position.
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
Randomize
