you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
When your really high you cant order into a clowns mouth
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
I just went to a chocolate syrup wrestling party I think you need to get on my level
the last thing i remember is ordering pitchers of white russians....
As i lay in bed, clutching my face, i'm starting to believe your dick in my eye story.
im almost positive that in mid thrust she told me she was pro choice
Just hooked up with the fireman who put out the quesadilla fiasco last tuesday.
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
Well, I washed his beard with dish soap and then I fucked him three times.
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
I just remember banging him and then at some point I went and took a shower and went and laid in the closet
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
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