so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
This girl brought half a watermelon to class. I want to be on her level.
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
I just blew my weed a kiss
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
I'm not sure if 14 year old me would be disappointed or proud that I fucked him behind her middle school??
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
You date? I thought you just hooked up with your TAs
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
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