I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.
Well... I doubt that.
Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
Well if were past the bullshitting stage yes if not then no I'm not that kind of guy
every facebook tagged picture of yours, you are either drinking, swimming or drunk in water
I just won't go as hard tonight. Four dollar ladies night drink or drown is not a good idea for me. I like to get my money's worth.
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
Locals got pissed I was talking to the barmaid. Tried to tell me that they keep all the good beer at "a Soho walkup" Google saved me
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
Yep. Just fucked a 34 year old on the football field where we both went to high school. That's a story for the grandkids.
Randomize
