Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
DO IT!!! IT MUST BE FATE THAT I GAVE YOU THAT CONDOM!!!!
Should I give the penis ring toss game to good will or garbage
next time we drink: battle shots.
battle shots or battle shits? if its the first, explain. if its the second I think I figured it out.
I don't know if trying Molly for the first time before my flight was an awesome or aweful idea
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
Awareness is good for change and all, but ignorance is bliss. I like bliss.
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
He should know he can't successfully wrestle in pudding fully clothed. Amateur.
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
I got there and she was on her balcony drinking out of a bottle of vodka and smoking a cigar.
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
Randomize
