My goal for the party is to get everyone in a diaper. Reasonable?
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
I kinda wanna eat your hands right now.
Put down the everclear and go to bed.
THAT IS NOT SOMETHING YOU TELL SOMEBODY THE FIRST TIME YOU MEET THEM IN THE DARK.
seeing two freshman taking a cab home at noon on a Monday makes me realize how much worse my life choices could have been
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
Well, I watched a girl proposition a shit ton of people, try to take a cocktail waitresses job and then proceed to walk into a wall. Damn, I'm a little jealous.
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
He deserves someone who will touch his penis at 3 a.m.
Where does drinking Flat, warm beer from two days ago rank of the No Fucks Given scale?
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
She really wants to put my dick in her mouth, and to be honest I really don't want to put it there.
Randomize
