I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
Nope it's a specific set of cards not like a normal ace, queen king thing....kinda like UNO, but instead of yelling UNO you get shitfaced
The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
this year's halloween challenge: make audrey hepburn go from classy to slutty drunk
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
Our room will be decorated with my urine.
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
I 100% barfed while bumping the DMX remix of reading rainbow
We decorated the tree, drank wine, and he went down on me with Christmas music on in the background. Christmas IS coming.
when i was on the highway she passed out and knocked my transmission into nuetral with her forehead...that was an experience
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