Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
woke up to the trail of sugar cubes leading to my bed........was i that uncooperative last night
There was a picture of him proposing on the night stand and their dog watched, but I can't help myself, his dick is just so perfect.
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
Put it this way, at one point I was getting stoned on the roof of the strip club with one of the strippers while another one gave me a free lap dance. That wasn't even the best part of the night.
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
She tried to sing jingle balls while blowing me
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
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