I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
She talked about nothing but beanie babies for 45 minutes. I'm never getting high with her again.
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
The leasing office is hiring, so I gave them my resume and class schedule. I doubt they'll call me considering last summer at their "exotic animal" pool party I marched in with a funnel and demanded the employees chug. I doubt they've forgotten.
Her only article of clothing is an American Flag
And then we can spend New Year's Day sprawled across the tiles watching greys anatomy and puking into the bushes over the balcony. It'll be great
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
this kid sitting diagonally in front of me is searching "cheap bongs" on google. hahahhaaha. who does this kid think he is?
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