I was. I was trying to blow bubbles in the toilet after I threw up in it. They had to carry me everywhere. I lost a sock.
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
There I was staring at a teeny weeny black one and a huge white one. It was like an episode of Myth Busters
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
Its like bringing all that milkshake to the yard and I'm a diabetic and can't have any
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
college girl with braces trying to flirt with you...time to go
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
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