I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
we just made rock paper scissors into a drinking game
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
NC is no longer selling 190 proof Everclear. We are officially no longer the greatest state.
Bering your kids um. Abiout tol. Throw up
Drag queen told me that I have the cheek bones to do drag. That's supposed to boost my moral.
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
How have you never felt a dick as hard as mine?
Hangover and judgement, the breakfast of champions.
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
Randomize
