I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
It makes me feel uncomfortable and unsafe when he licks my pants
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
raced the clock twice to day to see if i could get off before my computer died and before i left for my noon bar crawl... win, win
lets go back to having secrets in our friendship
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
It makes me really sad that some people start their saturdays running or biking instead of with 3 shots of tequila, a sausage biscuit, freaks & geeks and 2 orgasms.
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
She really has to stop the coke at some point. Won't she run out of money eventually?
Won't she run out of nose eventually?
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
Aka I'm headed to the liquor store because I don't know how to handle my emotions.
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
Since moving to the suburbs, all I do is fuck my ex and watch cartoons. It's not so bad.
Your parents are gone and we haven't fucked in their bed... why?
Randomize
