Don't fret. That vag would have consumed a lesser man.
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
Come to find out, there is a place where binge drinking and aggressive head butting is completely appropriate. In a mosh pit, Travis is just a regular dude!
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
I'm officially no longer allowed to make any of my own decisions regarding alcohol, men, or the combination of both. Thats up to you now. Do me proud.
There were containers of weed in the piñata. How much more Colorado does it get
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
Hungover. No words. Just memes.
When God made him he put all his talent in his dick. What he lacks in brain, he makes up for in loin.
I don't just want drugs. I deserve drugs.
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
Randomize
