i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
I'll start drinking again when I know where I am
Everyone needs a good pregnancy scare in their life.
I may or may not have just visibly given him head in front of three young children and their mom. They all looked mortified.
I think we should make a list of challenges so that when stuff like that happens, we can check it off. Like a scavenger hunt for hoes.
I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.
Osama's death just kick started our Cinco de mayo celebration. Margaritas for anyone wearing red white and blue!
It's amazing
I want to run hundreds of miles and do a whole semesters worth of homework while flying on a unicorn and throwing endless glitter bombs
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
I just noticed that pic of your cock has a Christmas tree in the background. It's July.
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
Randomize
