I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
felt a little awkward waiting for my McNuggets after vomiting all over the counter
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
Uhm; your sign says 'Welcome to KFC' and for some reason I can't seem to open the door.
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
His new place is a molesden. Like a hole in the ground. It's frightening how oddly private it is.
It rubs the lotion on it's foreskin...
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
WHERE THE FUCK'S MY FUCKING RITALIN YOU FUCKING FASCIST?????
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
She demanded to see my stimulus package, I had to go over.
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize
