she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot
it's gonna be a great weekend
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
No, my body just knows its the weekend and wants to rage. Very different from alcoholism
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
Makes Sense, i generally dont want the same person two days in a row. Its like what i pick for supper, i like variety
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
Her family was right next to mine during christmas eve mass. Between the terrifying glares and her trying to set my sleeve on fire during the candle part I am VERY sure she knows im fucking her ex...
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
she told me id be a great addition to their lesbian community and shes giving me sex eyes from across the room. come get me NOW
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
Randomize
