My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
I appreciate the offer. Swallowing pride is much like swallowing cum, difficult and unpleasant
Pretty much gone. He was in the backseat and kept whispering that his "toes felt like pigtails"
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
First I must say that I am disappointed to learn that you knowingly have trashy friends with whom you've not hooked me up.
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
Laying on a pile of just out of the dryer clothes because this is NOT real life.
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
Even my conscience is telling me to take this Wednesday's exam buzzed.
Randomize
