I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
the third sister isn't as attractive as the other two but I will do her anyway to finally pull off the fabled family hat trick.
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
I needed a test subject that didn't know any of my friends so that if i screwed up no one would really know or spread rumours about how it was the worst bj ever
He stopped mid-sex to read the subtitles on a Korean movie we had playing in the background.
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
Last night I had a sex dream about Trudeau, he hasn't even been prime minister for 24 hours
Drunk is not a location!
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
Randomize
