We were drinking cognac with TAB. I felt like trailer park royalty.
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
So his mom walked in the kitchen while I was sucking him off and just casually suggested that "I'd need a glass of water after that"
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
You rode your bike four miles to my house. Yelled "I'm so high!" Then crashed into his car. It's a problem.
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
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