me and ur bf were arguing about whether coke was vegan. i really hope it's vegan
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
When he was fingering me, it felt/looked like he was digging around for pocket change.
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
I think rendering her infertile would be a valid community service project
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
So that's all you want from me. Easy ass.
And an everlasting friendship
please tell me we weren't that bad as freshmen
i can't, we're worse now
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
You ruined the universe
Would it be inappropriate to meet you at the airport after your family vacation so I can tell you all about the amazing sex I have been having?
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
Randomize
