Best moment of my life. I just got a text from some random number that said i can't wait to touch you. Her name is kiara and she had the wrong number.
I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
it felt like i was a kid in an empty playground. i fucked him on every piece of furniture in the house and then when his housemates showed up i was naked in his bed like i'd been there all along.
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
All I've consumed in the last 24 hours is cranberry vodka and kosher for passover biscotti
That's what happens when you party with the tribe
ill be home in an hour. Be in my bed ready for disappointment
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
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