i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up.
I just baked them cookies. We're friends now.
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
I may or may not have traded your body to the rodeo's owner for free beer.
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
And the cockring thing wasn't sexual.
I can't imagine anything that has a removal ass flap as being sexy
You told the entire smokers deck that you were blowing .08 now and anyone else willing later
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
She is carving a little coffin out of some wood for her hamster that died. I'm flying home tonight.
I was watchin a porno and I sware I saw that dude at the bar at applebees the other night
Randomize
