i watch way too much csi for them to even pretend to be my friend.
We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
Medically YOU CAN'T BE AN ALCOHOLIC TILL 25!!!!! WE GET 3 BONUS YEARS!!!!
Haha, maybe if he wasn't dressed up like Kimmy Gibler he could give her the D
YOUR TITS WERE ON THE TABLE.
We were sitting outside of the building and he literally just walked up with no pants on. This is the best college ever
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
So I crawled off the trampoline to puke in the neighbors yard. Wonderful house guest right here
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
I had Mac n cheese made with weed butter last night. Epic
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