I asked him where the store BJ's was and he unzipped his pants.
And then I chipped his tooth because I got too into it. Helloo, single life.
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
for me the strap perfect is like a chastity belt
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
Concert was great. Tackled the lead singer. Met him afterwards. He was cool about it.
Almost bit the guy's hand who sits in front of me because he was stretching. That. Bored.
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
I'm going through a really dark time right now
I don't want to hear it man. I just jerked it to a pic of my ex wife in a bikini. Buck up
How would your parents feel if we installed a sex swing?
yeah she's crazy. she fought a possum in my alley because it was "being a cagey little cunt"
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
If I wanna spend the whole night tied up and getting railed I'm allowed to do so
Randomize
