i have no concept of time, i feel my nose, and im seeing everything in bitty hexagons.
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
yea i came on her face and told her to bring a snorkel next time
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
he likes to slap my ass alot untill he missed and hit his own balls poor bastard kept on going.
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
there is a guy with a glowstick staff outside my house
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
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