FYI: if you have sex in your room with the light on, we can totally see your shadows from the parking lot
Your boyfriend has good rhythm though.
I feel uncomfortable when she gargles my jizz.
and when he finished he handed me a baby wipe so i could clean up. i'm ok with the fact that he has kids, but not sure how to react to this.
Somewhere during foreplay he said something about me only being with two other guys... I just went with it cause we have never had that conversation...
slow down on the beer.. we don't need another pentabong projectile hot dog incident
We talked him into tasing himself.
I might as well rub my vagina against it before I throw it away.
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
I don't know why I bit your face last night but I'm sorry .
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
Randomize
