I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
I will be home in 10 min. Dont be beating off on the couch
enter at your own risk
I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
At Bonnaroo. Just saw a couple emerge from a port-a-potty. Romantic?
Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
I don't care if the man pisses on teenage girls, he's enchanting.
You'll be happy to know that I did indeed fracture my rib in a sex related injury
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
Just saw ur booking photo. Love that u were already wearing orange. Its like u knew
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
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