see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
She had a group on her phone called "great fucks". I was in it. It's almost like making the forbes list
I just ate nachos topless with a fork. Live with meeee
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
mate, my mother watched me threw up out of my nose wearing only a g-string.
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
If I just skip sleeping, does hangover still happen? Gonna try it. Will report back. StTAND BY
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
I'm not sure when I will get off this toilet at work but it's not looking promising
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
Randomize
