All I remember from last night is puking up a box of cheeze-its and the building catching on fire.
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
Tell me why I keep soberly hesitating to go pee in fear of breaking the seal. Thank you college.
Uhg.. This isn't fair. I just want to have sex with you until i lose consciousness, wake up and start over... is that so much to ask?
ill give you the fast version. Hooked up with 17 year old coworker while housestting for my boss
Its not like i paid for sex. She was stuck there, we simply exchanged rides.
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
New low. I just threw up in the shower at 4pm. Nothing like leaving behind my 20s with class.
In my defense, who let the drunk girl run around with a sack of broken glass unsupervise?
He is so pussy whipped she has made him change his name to Toby
One day soon I'll learn the difference between a good high and way too high. Today is not the day.
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
Randomize
