Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
She cut off the top of a watermelon and is now eating it with a spoon. She's more than half done.
There was just way too much discussion about my penis at that party
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
just watched a cripple ollie in his wheelchair to get on to the elevated floor in the bar. I. LOVE. WISCONSIN
the tv said "its small, its comfortable..." and i started laughing... safe to say he lost any dignity he had left...
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
Im just confused who has their mom break up with someone
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
I pour the whiskey from now on
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
Randomize
