my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
ur not supposed to find someone to make out with when ur bf takes u to his SISTERS house to hang out with her and her husband
I consider myself to be an upstream bisexual
You're the salmon of the gays...
Someone broke in while we were at the bars, window is shattered but nothing got taken
Noone broke in, matt tried to pull a tyrese and punch through the window... were at the hospital.
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
I feel like your personal Bdsm barbie...
Idk maybe I'll talk to him once he gets out of jail just to yell at him and get my strawberry ice cream back.
HE LIVES IN ANOTHER STATE
actually scratch that last text, he's the perfect boyfriend. He stays faithful and doesnt find out about all the guys here. it's a win-win
Nothing like casual arson to brighten your day
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
I just gave a fucking twenty minute blowiob.. I'm a GOOD girlfriend.
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
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