how hairy? two words: wookie tits
I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
Doing "bucket stands" with buckets of margarita. Don't tell me it's not a good idea.
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
there's a guy looking for his pants in my room, is he yours?
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
Come back I feel like I ticking time bomb of
of drugs
Just bought weed from the ice cream man. The kid in front of me got a tootie fruitie.
Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night
I'm trying to drink up the confidence to run in public.
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
the sex is SO much better when he thinks im going insane
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