last night I thought his shirt said yale... but this morning it definitely says old navy.
Her cum face looks like the large marge scene in pee-wees big adventure
Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
we were fucking and all I could think about is how my silly bands were glowing in the dark.
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
We haven't even scratched the surface on the damage we could do. Just saying
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
