you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
found glitter on my cock. thank you for bringing me to that dance recital.
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
I know I'm not the first to fuck in a park but i deserve props for doing it at 3pm. On a sunny day might I add.
uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
he's gonorrhea incarnate
well a fat roach just fell out of my hair. so there's that
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
I've never wanted anyone to have herpes as I much as I want him to right now.
I dont know if hes kidding... but hes drunk and said hes going to shave his balls. Alert your emt friends
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