i think if you made a shrine it would be creepy
dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
stop calling my apartment porn island.
not to mention it took an hour of antique roadshow to calm my dick down
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
Just peed out a window, not entirely sure it's open. Can't tell. I'll find out in the morning.
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
Last night I had a sex dream about Trudeau, he hasn't even been prime minister for 24 hours
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
You start to question your morals when you wake up at 430 and there's three people naked...that you don't no
Before making travel and hotel reservations to meet your "affair" for the first time, consult your menstrual calendar! $633 wasted!
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