I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
I'm eating the rest of the Xmas shrooms and welcoming 2012 by communing with the pine cone.
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
I need vitamin water and Jesus :/
im questioning your sanity while also accepting your reality
Sometimes I look at her and just start choking. She is that much of an evil entity.
Do you think it would be okay if i cleaned my cartilage piercing with the leftover vodka?
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
Randomize
