So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
He kept making me pretend I was his personal trainer. When I swallowed his cum he made me pretend I was drinking a protein shake. Thats actually what it tasted like.
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
If you value your immune system buddy, walk away from that one.
Just fat and dog and sweat all over the bed. All night long.
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
No other way to put this but the dick was not worth him crying for an hour after. No more online hookups.
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
Randomize
