i jus pukd everywherw but i took a showr, come cuddle
My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
I cant remeber how long i've been laying here...it could be 10 minutes to a fucking day
So my professor just changed my Final to 7:45am on May 6th. Shouldn't a Spanish professor understand the implications of Cinco de Mayo???
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
So not the biggest tits he had his cock between. He could have lied.
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
My boob is missing a layer of skin
i just googled coccaine effects on sexual performance..maybe im dating the wrong guy
Well she made a 15 year old cry, the grandmother did an ice luge and I woke up to the sound of sex moans
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
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