A big part of growing up is learning how to tastefully stare at women
Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
Gentlemen...shes not going to tie her self to the table...
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
Andrew is trying to convince me that i took your virginity. Please tell me he is lying.
define virginity.
Does she usually listen to trance and cut up broccoli when she's high?
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
I remember him going "OH SHIT" when he saw you straddling me on the table. And it was like the best feeling ever.
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
Went home with a guy last night with Taco Bell sauce in my hair and on my pants
I think its a little fucked up she invited you to her wedding, are you going?
There is a lot of acid in my drugs right now
....ill put you down as a no then
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