I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
he called AT&T to make sure that he had insurance before he threw his cell phone into the fountain.
well if I unknowingly shoved my hand up someones ass, I'm glad it was yours
andd if someone unknowingly shoved their hand up my ass without me knowing, im glad it was you
we fucked while standing on a ladder. challenging, but worth it.
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
We need a hype man... Like a DMX type dude to just up the ante constantly...
Randomize
