Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
Hallmark should totally make "congratulations on getting your period" cards...I feel they would be quite popular.
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
Starting St Patrick's Weekend, non stop flights on Pacific Whorelines to the scenic HotMessXpress. Get the cougars ready, it's gonna get weird.
Holy shit, I wanna ride him into the horizon.
Don't act like you're a victim to marijuana
Wish me luck. My vagina needs it.
May his noodley appendage touch you.
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
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