yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
just took my birth control pill with a shamrock shake. happy st. patrick's day
want the rest of his teeth to fall out while he slowly dies alone. Pretty sure I'm to the anger phase.
After arriving 30 minutes late, he slowly walked to his desk and halfway there he just falls over like a tree and passes out. I now have some sort of proof as to how awesome that night was.
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
Our motto for the night: BLACK OUT OR BACK OUT.
That's our motto every night.
Well I passed out before 4:20 on 4/20 so I deem it a failure AND a success.
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
i got my period today. mid walk of shame and im wearing a shirt that says stay classy. my life is a joke.
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
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