I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
we convinced you the moon was a planet...again
Sorry I had passed out by this time I think, with the chicken fingers ON my face in my bed, with all the lights on, and ketchup all over.
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
Why are you surprised? I've only ever liked older guys since I was a 3 yr old crushing on her pediatrician.
Who has the safety vest from this past weekend Additionally, who has the dancemaster glove?
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
Already doing pt exercises by picking my margarita up off the night stand. Fuck yeah.
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
When campus security rolled up he stole their car and drove it like 100 feet. Then he walked up and gave back the keys because it was a hyundai.
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
last final went out with a bang.. 20 min late bra-less, cum in my hair and i still cant find my shoes.
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