All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
yea pretty sure we followed the trail of your spaghetti-o vomit to find the car
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
He crawled in my bed this morning, ate me out, and even brought me a panera deli sammie for lunch at school. I don't care what he lied about, all is forgiven him.
Jason and steven are boiling shrimp in the microwave again
The goblet must only be used for good. And vodka. And anything t-pain would be proud of.
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
God I hope my hair dresser doesn't realize that all these hairspiration pictures are from gay porn blogs on tumblr.
The only thing I know is that these arent my shoes and Aaron is missing and he has my house keys.
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
Randomize
