Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
I really need to learn how to handle sexual advances from older women
I wish I had your problem
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
White girls? They're everywhere. In packs. Drunk white girl packs.
you missed 2am bagpipes and my roommate looking hot as fuck in a kilt
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
Floor bacon is actually really good
I’ve lost count of how many disciplines of science this conversation about Harry Potter has gone through.
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
Randomize
