Bad news is im a slut again. Good news is its with people ive been a slut with before.
you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
hahaha he is wasted in math class right now and is drawing all the planets in order from the sun
I'm looking at pot farms on google earth. Google should be proud I found a real purpose for it to serve.
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
Idk. I'm naked in front of the computer eating ribs. All is right with the world.
That's so nerdy and hot at the same time.
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
I think it's time to give up this life and become vikings. You in?
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
Randomize
