What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
I need to stop coming to work sober
All I seem to do lately is get myself off, take naked pictures and drink beer. I don't know if thats a good or bad thing.
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
like the only thing i remember is bringing a piece of toast to the bar...
How many bratwuest were you able to fit in your mouth at one time? It's me, Hans.
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
Randomize
