Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
I sent him pictures of just me in my thong and he replied "you're so sweet, you make me feel special <3".... Oh.
Let me know when ur ready so I can throw up one last time then brush my teeth
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
We woke up on vday and got high and played frisbee in our living room for a couple hours and then had sex. It was probably the most romantic valentine's day i've ever had
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
It makes me so happy that my local liquor store has a black lab that is there every day. Really tho - it makes the higher prices excusable.
He eats ass but won’t hold open doors. My kinda guy.
Chivalry really is dead.
we went outside for a smoke and when we came back in you were ptfo on the floor holding the phone to your ear. Pizza pizza was on the line.
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
