Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
you're putting all your eggs in a very hungover basket
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
Cockoligist
Yes, one may refer to me as that.
I should make business cards.
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
CAN I EVER JUST MAKE OUT EITH SOMEONE AND NOT GET FRIEND REQUESTED BY THEM THE NEXT DAY.
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
I made out with a guy so that I could get ahead in the bathroom line, totally acceptable
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
we're having rib night followed by a cultural enlightenment party
whats a cultural enlightenment party
we eat nachos and drink margaritas and tequila till we pass out
Getting blackout drunk infront of my family was never on my bucket list, but now that I've done it I'm cool with it.
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