Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee!
you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right?
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
Sweet. I'm actually coaching my work study into a 4-girl orgy so dinner was kinda important. Yes, I'm the best boss ever.
I'm tellin ya, let the nipple get some air, they'll hire u on the spot, lawyers love a little nip
If you find my purse on your yacht please call me - girl you slept with after yacht party
Steve brought 6 joints and 2 bottles of makers mark, Josh shat himself in the pool, and Amy blew me. Hope that extra 3 dollars an hour for working overnights is still worth it.
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
Also, if he asks how he's doing orally I can probably ask if we're exchanging Christmas presents?
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
They are like the regular squirrels and we are flying squirrels
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
Randomize
