I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
I didn't mind getting the stomach flu from him. we had great sex AND I'm seven pounds lighter
yea man just watch out- theres a shitload of broken glass in your bed
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
i have a feeling i am the only one who can successfully pull off the "slutty kentucky derby" look.
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
Most men with as many freckles as you aren't vagina magnets. You are an exception to your kind.
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
Oh and it took quite a bit of doing, but I managed to wipe my butt with the hat you left in my car
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Randomize
