UPDATE: In a passionate fit of self love, I brought myself to orgasm under the moon on my 7th floor balcony, ejaculating between the rungs towards the ground.
Unfortunately, I did not realize that most of it would end up on the balcony below mine.
At least you don't cum in color.
her nose should be used as a dorsal fin
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
puking up blue gatorade is not as nearly as much fun as it sounds
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
Maybe if I get to know him I'll stop wanting to fuck his wife so much.
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
There were containers of weed in the piñata. How much more Colorado does it get
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
Haha holy fuck. i dont remember much after pissing on your ex's flaming nude pics.
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
I took out a life ins. policy Thursday. It's okay I can die in Nashville now.
He’s disease free and drives a Porsche. What else does a girl need?
Randomize