Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
batman just walked across the sidewalk
lay off the drugs
no for real he was wearing a cape
It usually only happens when Im really excited. Normally not that fast. You still enjoy it?
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
we need to find an occasion to wear tutus
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
He just had a handle of vodka with ice in it yelling at people hot august night mother fuckaaaaa and was pouring it on his face
So I wore a corset to school. Fuck laundry.
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
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