he thinks he's going to hurt your feelings
He can't hurt my feelings
I don't have feelings.
theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
that's fine. btw we still need $500 for the donkey...
at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
Im interpreting your silence as a silent plea for me to come wake you up. See you soon.
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
K. On the way. I need a drink.
Like a drink drink or like water?
Have we met?
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
So I'm at that stage in my life where I am stalking my stalker just to get laid
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
Randomize
