She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
My financial aid advisors would be so pissed if they knew I was spending my loan money on strippers
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
she got the salsa and pickles out of the fridge looked at me and said what can i make with this
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
dreams really do come true on the roof and drinking again
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
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